Instant Regret

I do things sometimes, without fully thinking them through. But this isn’t the case right now. I considered this decision for a full month before saying, “Hey, I’m going to submit to one of my favorite lit journals!”

Even before I drafted my bio and started the email, I was reconsidering the decision. I wouldn’t call it having second thoughts though. Second thoughts were about a month ago. For the last 3 weeks, I’ve been writing and deleting the submission email- about twice a day. We’re talking 50th thoughts here.

I hit the “Send” button today.

I can’t take that back.

It’s sent.

It’s gone.

Maybe they won’t see it. I could potentially get lost in the slew of submissions that they probably get daily. I’d be okay with that. That sounds nice. It’s just lost. Lost is good. I mean, I’m lost half the time too, and I’m okay. It’s okay if it gets lost.

Can I email them and ask them to reject it? I’m okay with rejection. Rejection and I are bros. Is that against the rules? I think I’ll do that. But then that doesn’t make sense. They’ll feel like I wasted their time. I don’t want to waste their time.

Then, why did I send it in the first place?

I guess I can’t fix this.


My Ketchup is Askew


You had one job…

This super fancy ketchup is on our table at the awesome small-town diner we are dining at presently. This place actually has excellent food. Come check out the Park-Et Restaurant if you’re ever passing through Perryville, MO.

Excuse me, but could you remove your religion from my vagina?

Seriously? Many employers already control their employees’ social schedules by dominating their waking hours during the week and then requiring overtime hours as well. Now they’ll get to shove their noses into what method Their employees choose to prevent pregnancy too?? Even though this has nothing to do with the employees’ work performance? Ya’ll need to review your decision here.

I presently have Paragard, the copper IUD, one of the contraceptives that Hobby Lobby has an issue with. Why do I have it? Because medically, I cannot use hormone-based birth controls. Also, condoms are pretty hit-or-miss. I don’t have to worry about my IUD breaking during intercourse and resulting in a pregnancy that I am not ready for, and having a child as the result that I am not financially stable enough to provide for. Not to mention, it’s difficult to find condoms that I can use as I have very sensitive skin and latex, spermicides, lotions, and many soaps cause a lot of skin irritation.

If it were my employer, I’d be seeking another job ASAP.

As it is, my employer is pretty cool and to my knowledge is not planning on limiting our insurance. Kudos to them. They’re not being dick faces and trying to impose their personal OPINIONS into other peoples’ personal, non-work-affecting lives.

So, since I’m not affected, you may be asking why I’m so upset about this. Aside from the obvious fact that I’m a woman, and I care very deeply about women having equal rights, I’m also a pretty big activist about the quality of life of the children who already exist in this world. You know, the ones getting swept under the rug. Foster kids, the many children registered as wards of their respective states while awaiting adoption.

Pro-lifers, who dominate the anti-contraceptive side of this argument are so adamant that every baby should be born, with few or no exceptions depending on who is talking.

Do they bother to think about the kind of life that these children will have post-birth? What about the thousands of children across the US being bounced around foster homes, waiting for a family to care enough to adopt them? What about the thousands more who fall between the cracks of the child services?

There are kids in high school struggling to take care of their younger siblings because their parents are too busy doing drugs to be the adult.

I am by no means saying that these kids would be better off if they didn’t exist. Many of them, however, think that things would be better if they could just disappear.

My question for anyone trying to limit women’s access to birth control and reproductive health resources is: If every child being born is so important to you, what are you doing to ensure that these children have the best quality of life possible?

Until you’ve made certain that there are no children in need of a caring family atmosphere, keep your opinions to yourself, and do something positive to alleviate their problems.

For those of you actually interested, here are some links you may find useful:

Adopt US Kids – info on foster care and adoption, broken down for each state. Loads if helpful videos and information about both foster care and adoption in the US.

Hope Children’s Home- an orphanage in Tampa, FL rescuing neglected, abused, and abandoned children.

Hope Children’s Home in Jackson, MO. Foster care home for children immediately after removal from their homes. also a fantastic resource for foster parents

Child Welfare directory offering resources by state

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption- Finding Forever Families for Children in Foster Care

Adoptive Families- a great information source through all stages of the adoption process

There are thousands of resources like these, but these are my favorites.

Oh, and until there’s no need for organizations like these, kindly keep your religion out of my vagina.

How to Grow Up In an Awesome Family

If comfort had a face,
she’d look just like mom; round cheeks
and a smile to calm rabid beasts.
Her hands are sculptors
whom the worst days can’t escape from-
she makes storm clouds more beautiful than sunshine.

The only security blanket I ever had was my father.
Every child needs a blanket to hold them
upside down by the ankles, shake off the bitterness
of bad dreams, and set them safely down.

I pity every only-child.
Imaginary friends
cheat at The Floor is Lava,
and no one shares or cares like my brothers can.
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum:
metaphors for the siblings Alice wishes she had-
it’s a shame her imagination was too weak
to conjure ones so good as mine instead.

A terrifying sense of kindness
runs in our veins- an angry rhinoceros on steroids,
hellbent on making you smile
at the sacrifice of it’s own dignity.
It spawns funky ninjas to thwart tears and
gives away Christmas months in advance
to see the look on your face
when you realize that you are loved.

Family means forever.

How to spend a weekend apart from your significant other:

They say that absence
makes the heart grow
fonder. Well, I have to disagree.
I miss you, yes; but I don’t love you
any more than before.

Don’t speed-
I’ll have you here safe over fast any day.

In which I am a total pussy, and my doctor is a saint:

There are moments in our lives that we think define us. I find that this is incorrect. These moments don’t so much define us, as teach us truths about ourselves that were always there to begin with.

Yesterday, I had eye surgery. While awake. Needles and lasers and freezing. My ophthalmologist has levels in wizard. His expert execution of Ray of Frost at my retina while I whimpered and cried and hyperventilated like a child is testament to his amazing skill at his craft.

Being honest with myself, they probably ought to have restrained me or something. The man is a miracle worker that he was able to flawlessly re-attach my retina with me shaking like California during a massive, devastating earthquake.

Kudos also to my boyfriend, whose facial expressions And vocalizations conveyed nothing but soothing comfort and support while a mad-man stuck needles in his girlfriend’s eye. Then did other stuff. Then stuck in more needles.

I did not find out until today that the D was actually pretty mortified and scared, as well. But that he was calm yesterday was possibly the only thing that kept me from reaching up and strangling the doctor as a fight or flight response, then running out the door- irreversible blindness be damned.

And I attribute to God the fact that although I was terrified and plotting my escape every moment, I still had the presence of mind to follow the doctor’s directions during the procedure. Seriously. That shit was difficult.

At the end of the day though, it was a really positive experience. Don’t ask me to explain how. I don’t understand it either. All I know is that I went to bed last night feeling really, really good about life.

I’m still feeling pretty damn good about things. Except the snow. The snow can go fuck itself.

Go home, Mother Nature. You’re drunk.

Yes, this is actually a happy poem.

I drank a nightmare-
left my stomach
knotted with a cupboard love
for your face.

“Seeing is believing,” said the bone box;
but I’m bellows to mend
each time you pocket
my insecurities.


In other news, I woke up exceedingly happy from some very comfy sleeps. Now breakfast, then a nap until I need to get ready for work.

The D and I have been doing a lot of talking recently. The hardcore kind of talking. The sort of talking during which ambitions are discussed and decisions are made.

I am applying for an open position at work (a higher paying one on my same shift, in my same department, with loads more responsibility). After discussing the option and the desire to do so, I feel incredibly secure in the decision, and optimistic that I have a really good chance of getting it. I find it amazing to feel so supported and encouraged by someone who is not directly related to me.

No offense Mom, Dad, Brothers- it just feels damn good to have someone on the outside recognize that I’m capable of better things, too.